How our autistic family navigated the summer holidays

My daughter is happy spending a lot of time at home. If she’s had a busy term at school, she doesn’t suddenly want six weeks of days out and seeing people. She wants to be at home, where things are familiar and she doesn’t have to deal with the demands of school. I understand that because I’m autistic too. But I’m also her mum, so after a while I start to worry.

If she hasn’t been out for a few days, I wonder whether I should be encouraging her to go out more or worry that she isn’t seeing enough of her friends. I also wonder whether staying at home is what she needs or whether it’s making it harder for her to go out again – that I'm actually increasing anxiety in the long term.

It’s especially difficult in the summer because there’s so much emphasis on what children are doing with their holidays. You hear about other families going away or see teenagers out with their friends, and it’s hard not to compare when we spend more time at home. 

Being a single parent adds another side to it. If we’re going to do something, I’m usually the one who has to organise it and make it happen. There isn’t another parent who can take over if I’m tired or overwhelmed, or take my daughter somewhere when I need some time at home myself.

The biggest change for us when the summer holidays start is losing the routine of school. During term time, my daughter knows what time we’re getting up, when we need to leave the house and what the day is going to look like. Then the holidays start and suddenly there’s much less structure. Not knowing what’s happening each day can be really difficult for her and has led to some meltdowns. 

 I’ve found it helps to talk about plans in advance, even if they’re quite small. If we’re going out, I’ll tell her where we’re going, roughly how long we’ll be there and what time we’ll be home. I try to do this at least a day in advance – last-minute plans can be harder, so where possible I try not to spring things on her. I also ask her what she needs and try to incorporate that into plans, whether that’s going somewhere quieter, staying for less time or having a clear plan for when we’ll come home.

At the same time, I don’t try to recreate the strict structure of the school day at home. She needs a break, and so do I. We have slower mornings and days where we don’t have much planned. It’s more about having a few things that give the week some shape. 

I also need routine myself, which can sometimes make this complicated. There are times when I’ve got an idea in my head of what we’re doing that day and my daughter wakes up and can’t manage it. Being autistic myself means I understand why she needs predictability, but it doesn’t mean our needs always match and that can be tricky to navigate sometimes. 

Now the holidays are nearly over, it’s worth taking some time to think about what worked for your family and what didn’t. Were there days your child particularly enjoyed? Were there plans that ended up being too much? Did they cope better when they knew exactly what was happening, or when they had a quiet day before or afterwards? These are all things you can take with you into the next holiday.

I’d also think about what your child has told you about their summer. What did they enjoy? What did they find difficult? Is there anything they would want to do differently next time? Their answers might be different from what you expect. Something you thought was a great day might have been exhausting for them, while a day you thought was “wasted” at home might have been exactly what they needed.

Try to include yourself in that reflection. I’m autistic as well as being a single mum, and there are things I’ve learned about my own limits this summer too. There were times when my daughter needed something different from me, and times when I needed more structure or a quieter day myself. Thinking about both of our needs helps me work out what I want to do differently next time and also who I need to bring on board to help me out – my Mum, for example, really helped when I was burned out. You might have other family members, a partner, co-parent, or friends who are more willing to step in that you might think!

Most importantly, don't judge the summer by how many things you managed to do. If some plans fell through, you spent more time at home than you expected, or your summer didn’t look like everybody else’s, that doesn’t mean it went badly. Look at what worked for your child, what didn’t, and what you now know about them that you didn’t know at the beginning of the holidays.