How I cope as an introvert in an extrovert's world

First and foremost, I’ve realised through experience the importance of being authentic, for the simple reason that faking it just doesn’t work. I might be able to pretend to enjoy a party, for example, but people usually can tell that I’m only pretending. Even if they can’t, they might consequently think that I do enjoy parties and invite me to more of them. I would then be forced into more and more situations which I don’t enjoy, and feel more and more exhausted. That is terrible for my mental health in the long run.

For us introverts, there is a dilemma between authenticity and social acceptance. It’s easy to tell us to be authentic, but when faced with loneliness, social isolation, even bullying, it’s completely understandable to take the easy way out. However, the hidden cost of masking is that, by having social interactions that we don’t enjoy, we lose valuable time to cultivate the connections that are pleasurable to us. But what are those connections?

To me, the answer is individual friendships. In my school, although I’m not part of any friend group, I have some friends that I spend time with individually. I find it almost liberating to not have to deal with the complex group dynamics, and instead to enjoy a simple, meaningful conversation.

It isn’t easy to find people like that. Susan Cain (an author who writes about introversion) writes that there is an “extroverted ideal” in our society, and I think this is especially true in schools. People prefer to hang out with others that are popular, and to sit down and have a long conversation is often looked down upon.

My solution to that is friends outside of school. I sometimes attend social events where I can meet people outside of my school (a huge sacrifice for an introvert), who are usually not related to me in any way. I’ve also met similar people through being a YoungMinds Activist. These friendships are hugely pleasurable for me because there’s no judgement from them, and there’s nobody else there to judge, and so I can be as authentic as possible.

Perhaps you don’t enjoy the same kind of friendship that I do, and that’s okay. I would, however, encourage you to try to explore the kind you do enjoy, instead of spending time maintaining the ones that don’t really work for you.

It’s impossible to write about introverts without mentioning our need for alone time. In fact, the definition of introversion is that the more introverted you are, the more you tend to recharge by spending time alone. An introvert might be exhausted after a night out, whereas an extrovert might leave feeling more energetic than before. One is not better or worse than the other.

I would like to repeat this point: introverts are not better or worse than extroverts – they’re simply different. For example, introverts tend to be good listeners and problem solvers, whereas extroverts are more likely to be good at public speaking. Both personality traits have evolved for a reason.