The double-edged sword of ADD

Topics mentioned: ADD, school

About: ADD and ADHD can come with positive and negative consequences. Zara, 17, discusses her experience.

We hear a lot these days about ADHD and ADD. Perhaps it's more prevalent due to our ability to diagnose it, or maybe our inattention due to social media and phone habits mirror some of the symptoms of ADD.

When I received my diagnosis of ADD at the age of 14, it didn’t come as a surprise, as I knew my mind was sometimes difficult to navigate and control. The diagnosis was actually a relief, as it gave me some clarity and a lens to review my own patterns, thoughts and navigation through life.

For others, like my family and my teachers, the ADD was a surprise, as I had been happily sailing through life – I had some struggles with routine, but nothing that flagged real concerns about my learning. It was only after a few investigations with my teachers, an occupational therapist, and my mum’s own diagnosis that I finally reached the stage of being assessed.

Looking back, all the signs were there! I was inattentive if something was not of interest to me, I was living inside my head a lot, routines were difficult for me to follow, and I would lose myself in time. I had good intentions and multiple interests, but finishing projects and tasks were a struggle.

I didn’t realise at the time that appearing or presenting as a “coaster” made me internalise this narrative. My brother was “book smart” and was a great test taker. So we assumed that he was the brains of the family.

The diagnosis explained why there was a gap in my ability to perform, and it has taken me a few years to turn around the narrative I had made about myself. I still carry a lot of self-doubt, despite a good grade book and my ability to study subjects with real depth.

Living with ADD is a double-edged sword. It has been branded as a “superpower” by some, which of course is a positive narrative for students like myself. However, the uncertainty of how the brain is going to function and respond through the day is sometimes unsettling.

On a good day, with the help of medication which I began taking two years ago, I am able to focus, manage school, pay particular attention to the subjects I love and manage through a school day. However, the additional effort that I have to use to apply myself, make sense of extensive content and activate the learning systems in my brain can sometimes result in feelings of exhaustion.

Hyperfixation and time blindness: these two frenemies are often at odds with one another. In some way, hyperfixation or being locked into a subject can be great for the natural sciences. I can get buried in the study of enzymes. However, I can lose track of time and then neglect some of my other subjects that don’t light up my brain in the same way.

There are parts of my personality that of course intersect with my diagnosis. I love socialising, I love talking and I love certain subjects more than others. When this collides with my brain’s alignment with areas that excite me, I can sometimes miss out on instructions or content in a subject. My brain also needs information presented to me in small chunks. Pages of information or endless slide shows become banal.

I wish that people knew that living with ADD can be unpredictable. I am still learning to harness my brain. Some days it leads me and on other days, I can fully control it. This unpredictability means that my energy and focus can come in fits and starts. Inconsistency is the bane of my life! I do have perfectionist tendencies which can conflict with my ability to focus and, most recently, anxiety has joined the ADD party.

I have sought help from professionals who have tried to help me build routines. However, this has often ended up futile as they suggest forming new habits and using a calendar, a diary or online tools. Here is the issue: I have a problem building and forming habits. Tools do not help me!

I try now instead to run through items of the day in the evening when I get home, before bed and first thing. These verbal reminders, that I may sometimes share with a friend or family member, help me activate my working memory and navigate my day. Papers get lost, trackers get tiresome and calendars are for the corporate world! Repeating lists in my head perhaps connects with my love of rhythm and my ability to remember song lyrics!