I had been with my husband for over 15 years, so the end of our marriage was a huge event for me. I was hurt, angry, and just worried about what the future would look like. There was so much to deal with, emotionally and practically, and some days it felt like I was never going to get through it all.
But I was also a parent and I knew that however difficult things were for me, my child was going through something too. I wanted to make sure that whatever was happening between me and my partner, my son didn't end up suffering because of it. That was easier said than done.
Recognising how my feelings could affect my child
One of the biggest things I had to learn was how much my own emotional state could affect my son. Even when I wasn't talking about the divorce, I knew he could sense when I was stressed or upset. Children pick up on more than we sometimes realise, and I worried that the tension at home might make my child feel anxious or insecure.
There were definitely times when I wanted to vent or explain why I was upset. But I had to remind myself that my child was already dealing with enough – he didn't need to carry my anger or feel responsible for making me feel better, and I felt really strongly that he shouldn’t ever feel caught between us. I worried that hearing negative things about either parent could leave him feeling guilty or confused about his own feelings.
I had to remind myself that my child was already dealing with enough without having to carry my anger.
Seeing the impact on my son's mental health
Despite our efforts to keep things as stable and civil as possible, the divorce still affected my son's mental health. I think part of me had hoped that if we handled things carefully he might be spared some of the emotional impact, but in reality it wasn't that simple.
I began to notice changes in his mood and behaviour. He seemed more anxious and withdrawn at times, and things that hadn't bothered him before could suddenly seem overwhelming. It was difficult to see him struggling, particularly knowing that the changes in our family were something he had no control over (and that it was partly down to me!)
I also realised that just because we were managing the separation as calmly as we could, that didn't mean he wasn't experiencing it as a loss. His family life had changed, his dad had moved out, and he needed time to come to terms with that.
It was often the everyday changes that caused the most anxiety. Where would he be staying on a particular weekend? When would he next see his dad? Underneath this was the question: “will things ever feel okay again?” At first, I think I was too quick to reassure him. I wanted to tell him not to worry and that everything would be fine. Of course I wanted that to be true, but after a while I realised that sometimes he just needed to be upset or angry about what was happening.
I tried to listen more and made an effort not to take it personally if he was unhappy about something. Just because I'd made peace with a particular decision didn't mean he had to be happy about it – it was his life too!
Just because I'd made peace with a particular decision didn't mean he had to be happy about it – it was his life too!
Looking after myself
Something else I learned was that I needed somewhere to sort through my own feelings. It's difficult to be patient with your child when you're exhausted or upset yourself – and I was often exhausted and upset. I drew on friends I could talk to honestly, without worrying about what I was saying or how it might affect them. Having that support made it easier to avoid bringing my frustrations into conversations with my child.
Looking back, I know there are things I could have done better. I wish I'd been calmer in certain situations, and I wish I'd realised sooner how much children can pick up on things, even when you think you're putting on a brave face and hiding it.
But I also think it's important to be realistic. Divorce is hard! There will be days when you're upset or frustrated, and you won't always respond in the best way. For me, the important thing was learning to recognise when my own feelings were getting in the way and doing something about it.
If I could offer one piece of advice to another parent going through a divorce, it would be to find people you can lean on so that your child doesn't become the person you lean on emotionally. Whether that’s a therapist, a friend, other parents, or a helpline.
My child didn't need me to pretend I was happy all the time or to have all the answers. He just needed to know that he was loved, that none of this was his fault, and that he didn't have to worry about looking after me as well as himself.
More information and advice
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Family Line
Provides information and support around family issues, as well as longer-term help through Befrienders and Counsellors.
- Opening times:
- 9am - 9pm, Monday - Friday
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Family Lives
Emotional support, information, advice and guidance on any aspect of parenting and family life.
- Opening times:
- 9am - 9pm, Monday to Friday; 10am - 3pm at weekends
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YoungMinds Parents Helpline
We support parents and carers who are concerned about their child or young person's mental health. We can provide detailed information and advice, emotional support and signposting.
You can speak to us over the phone or chat to us online. When we’re closed, you can still leave us a message and we'll get back to you in 3-5 working days.
- Opening times:
- 9.30am-4pm on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays; 9.30am-6pm on Tuesdays and Wednesdays
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