The beautiful game: Why football can help men start talking

Topics mentioned: men's mental health, loneliness, reaching out for help

About: Alfie explores the role football plays in helping men connect with one another, and why conversations about the game can sometimes take the place of deeper discussions about mental health.

Saturday, 3pm. Walking to the stadium. Joining the crowd on their weekly pilgrimage to one of the hundreds of cathedrals of football dotted around the country. Feel the buzz. The excitement of a match day – there’s nothing quite like it. The feeling of the first day of the season? Infectious. Hundreds of thousands catching the bug each year. 

Football fever is instilled from a young age. Pick a team and you’re good to go. Bonding time for a father and son, mediator between friends, and a shared language that brings people together. For many men, football is the easiest way to connect with another man. But those conversations often stop at the football itself. When talking about our emotions and lived experience is difficult, team selection becomes common ground. The connection is real, but it can leave deeper worries and struggles unsaid.

I hate to pick apart something that brings so many people so much joy. But whilst we find ourselves in the midst of a male loneliness epidemic, I feel compelled to look at the reasons why so many boys and men rely on football. Why has this obsession and shared passion always been so prevalent in British culture? The same culture where discussion of men’s mental health has become a pressing and widespread topic of conversation. The reasons behind it are not as glamorous as the euphoria of a 90th minute winner. But that’s kind of the point.

I don’t want to be too critical of football and its culture. I must make clear I think it’s a central pillar of connection in our country. A lot of men would be at sea without it, no question. And whilst there are seriously harmful consequences of football including racism and domestic abuse spikes that cannot be forgotten about, football does have the capacity to bring a lot of good. Without the skills to cultivate a meaningful conversation, football’s the only subject some men feel comfortable talking about.

It’s easy to see how it works. A young man is plagued by his stress from work. He meets his mate, who can’t shake the uncertainty of whether his girlfriend is pulling away from him because he doesn’t know how to truly connect with her anymore. Both men are overwhelmed by their internal worlds but don’t know how to bring it up with one another. They don’t even know how they feel about it themselves, let alone how they would put it into words. So they resort to the language they really know. They chat about their team’s new striker and the chance of him scoring today.

But I think we can harness the radical power of this football culture. You don’t have to go very far back to see the beauty that it can bring – just look at Arsenal’s recent title win. 22 long years of hurt since they’d been champions of England. Thousands lining the streets of London in a frenzy of chaotic euphoria. All ages, races and sexes coming together in a world plagued by conflict and struggle, united by the success of their football team. Whoever you support, you can appreciate that is beautiful. 

But this happiness stands on the shoulders of something a lot more concerning. In a famous interview posted by “AFTV” in 2016, a fan-run YouTube channel of Arsenal (the same club who have experienced all this elation in recent weeks), a fan named Claude opened up about his experience with depression in a video entitled “I've Had A Bad Summer”.

Claude spoke of how football provided a temporary escape from his unprocessed feelings surrounding his mother’s death, admitting “If it wasn’t for football, I wouldn’t be here today”. It was a reminder of the power that football has to mask and distract from the possible tragedy and difficulty of everyday life. So, whilst we can acknowledge the external beauty of the parade that exploded throughout North London last month, let’s not forget that underneath this beauty can be the pain of fans like Claude. Whose desperation for their team to win masks a deeper internal struggle that is much more significant than their team’s position in the table.

I want us to take advantage of this opportunity. To direct the power of the beautiful game. To use this culture of connection with friends to share, laugh and cry. But not just about the match. Of course, connection over football is massively important, but it should not replace the vital and universal need for emotional connection that so many men in this country have historically neglected.

So, next time you sit down to watch a game with a mate, consider asking them about how they’re actually finding work, their dynamic at home, or even just how they’ve felt the last week. Dig a little deeper. It may be uncomfortable at first. You may only be met with “Yeah, it’s sweet mate”. But consistent intention and openness to someone’s emotional world, whether they reciprocate it or not, can make all the difference.