A letter from one parent to another

Dear parent or carer, 

I’d like to share some advice that I was given, or wish I’d been given, at the beginning of my daughter’s mental health difficulties and subsequent breakdown. Actually, it doesn’t matter whereabouts you are on your journey - words of support or encouragement are everything when they come from someone who knows. And trust me, I know. 

Right now, you are going through inescapable hard times. It is isolating and relentless. It feels like it will never end. Please hear me when I say things will get better. You have to remember this – it is not forever. It is your ‘now,’ but it is not your ‘forever.’

Without you, this won’t work. You need to be in the best place to deal with this, and to do that you need to look after yourself. You may not think it’s appropriate, important or necessary, but if you don’t give yourself time, kindness, and some form of boundaries you will regret it.

Find routines that give you a positive outlook on life, so you don’t go under. Eat well, sleep and exercise. Have an interest that revitalises you and turn to this in times of high stress. 

If you are in a relationship, protect this. You need each other. Don’t look to the other to solve things or look at them negatively if you feel they’re not doing enough. Recognise their strengths and what they bring to the situation, even if it’s as minimal as putting the kettle on. That can be the biggest act of love at times. 

If they are true loving and caring people, include them as much as possible. They can be the team around your child, and they love them too. A different face in high stress can be a lifeline, either for you or your child. If they are judgemental and unhelpful then leave them to it.  You and your child need and deserve good people that you can trust. Your child’s situation is privileged information: don’t trust it to negative people.

Research, research, research. Tool yourself up to recognise the signs that are invisible because they are right in front of you. Have an open mind and an open heart. Don’t seek to blame anyone, look at the behaviours and take it from there. Look at what is happening today and go in a straight line from there.  

When things seem so complex you don’t know where to start, go back to basics and take things one day, one hour or five minutes at a time. Go back to basics and remember the straight line – one action at a time, one phone call, one car journey, one visit. You are dealing with it better than you think, give yourself credit and be the advocate your child may not always want but absolutely needs.

Ask. This is your child, your lives and your futures, not theirs, so they must work for your trust and approval. You will encounter brilliant people that make an incredible difference but sadly you will also have to deal with people that genuinely don’t help. Don’t waste your time feeling angry because of them. It simply doesn’t help, so move on.

Remember there is a future beyond what is happening now. One day, you will look back on these times and be able to talk about it and reflect. You will even laugh at some of the absurdities that dark times can lead you to. Look forward to that, be there for that, futureproof those moments because they will be so special and wonderful and you will both have earned them. Everything you do now on this mental health journey should build towards those moments.  

So choose your words carefully, no matter how careless others might be with theirs. Be patient when all you want to do is push. Give yourself thinking time before you respond, so you gather your thoughts not your anger or frustration. Don’t use timeframes. It takes as long as it takes – this is nobody else’s experience it is yours and theirs so don’t compare with other peoples’ situations. Find things to be proud of, no matter how dark things might seem. 

The best advice I was given came from a friend, whose dad supported young men who self-harmed. He told her that when they were at their lowest, he would simply say ‘and now you just need to wait. This feeling will pass.’ Such simple words that let me know I didn’t need to have all the answers, I didn’t need to exhaust myself with complex responses, I just needed to be present and to be with them. 

I wish you so much luck.