Itās so strange to feel lost and alone in a world that is full of people in the same situation. Since the coronavirus pandemic began, many people have been experiencingĀ anxietyĀ around health and getting sick. But even though I know Iām one of many, my anxiety tells me that Iām both totally alone and very weird - it has a way of doing that.
The reappearance of anxiety in lockdown
The past weeks have been a struggle. At the start of the pandemic, the pause in life almost felt like a relief, because I didnāt have to fulfill my huge list of expectations. My final term of university was going to be intense and I think I was dreading it quite a lot, so it felt good to have a break.
However, without the familiar distractions, my anxiety began to rear its head again.
Even though I know Iām one of many, my anxiety tells me that Iām both totally alone and very weird.
The appearance of health anxiety
Iāve struggled with anxiety for a long time, but health anxiety hasnāt affected me like this before. Now I often find myself hyperventilating, focused on every tiny sensation in my body, and itās exhausting. Frequently, my brain takes me to the space many people with panic attacks will understand as the āI know this is probably a panic attack, but it feels more likely that itās a heart attack and Iām going to dieā feeling.
Now I often find myself hyperventilating, focused on every tiny sensation in my body, and itās exhausting.
People often treat health anxiety as a big joke, which makes it hard to talk about. My fear has been that, because many people are experiencing an increase in anxiety about their health or the health of their loved ones, I wonāt be taken seriously.
āWell, of course youāre anxious; itās normal to feel like that right now.ā
The thing is, it feels very ānot normalā.
Iām freaking out that my flea bites mark the beginning of a deadly rash; that I am overheating and getting heatstroke when exercising; that twinges of pain in my chest are signs of something serious. Iām worrying about my breathing, and even about the asbestos roof on my parentsā garage.
People often treat health anxiety as a big joke, which makes it hard to talk about.
I find myself wishing to live with a doctor for constant reassurance, or in case anything bad happens to me. Iām also terrified about what isolation on this scale will do to my mental health. This is the paradoxical āworrying about worryingā. What if I worry so much that I lose my mind? The stress makes it feel like thatās possible quite frequently.
Addressing the anxiety
In the past, I managed my anxiety with wonderful therapy, exercise and acceptance - but also through numbing. Iāve used work and noise to suppress the anxious dialogue in my head. Iāve seen emotions as a nuisance, often getting in the way of me achieving things day to day. Better to run headlong into work, travel and compulsive cooking than sit and feel difficult emotions ā thatās what I told myself.
But that doesnāt work. I need to find a way to accept the whole of me - not just the hard-working, competitive and āachievingā side, but also the messy brain that worries about getting tetanus from stepping on a drawing pin!
Let these bad times be a whole lot of bad, because they will pass and you have the strength to see them through.
There isnāt a trendy or āacceptableā strand of anxiety. For me, anxiety is intrusive and debilitating, and feels entirely uncontrollable sometimes; itās never going to look pretty. But these are difficult times, and feeling spaced out, confused and terrified is ok right now. Let these bad times be a whole lot of bad, because they will pass and you have the strength to see them through.
Where to get support
It's really common to experience anxiety at some point. Find out what causes it, what you can do to help and where you can get support on our anxiety page.