A boy smiling at his friend in the park.

How I regained control over my eating disorder

  • 6 min read
  • 28 August 2024

Author: Jade, 23

Topics mentioned: eating problems, body image, feeling out of control, feeling alone and misunderstood

About: Jade's eating disorder controlled her life for three years, but recovery is possible. She shares what helped her cope and how she reclaimed control over her life.

 

This blog contains reference to eating problems. Please do not read on if you think the content may be triggering for you. If you are currently struggling with your mental health, please visit our find help page for information, advice and guidance on where to get support.

The sense of control an eating disorder gave me controlled my entire life, until I realised having control over my own life involved caring, loving and fuelling my body.

I remember when I first started to notice my body changing. I was 14 years old and before that, I had no body image concerns or insecurities. Looking back, life seemed so simple, and my only concern was when I’d next see my friends. I never imagined my life would be controlled by something I do to keep myself alive – eating and putting food into my body.

I lost a sense of myself once I hit 14. I don’t remember what triggered my eating disorder, but it controlled my life for three years. Seven years on, I still struggle sometimes and that’s okay. Recovery isn’t linear and every day is a new day to try again. The sense of control an eating disorder gave me controlled my entire life, until I realised having control over my own life involved caring, loving and fuelling my body.

Diving in the deep end worked for me - eating a plate of food at mealtimes served and set up by my family gave me structure, resilience and routine despite how petrifying it was. I dreaded mealtimes, but gaining routine gave me resilience and continuity to work on my recovery. Everyday becomes easier.

The difficulties of accepting that I had an eating disorder

When I first began to become unwell, my family noticed and insisted I see a doctor. I was furious and cried for hours! I didn’t want to see a doctor because I didn’t think anything was wrong with me, but I was burying a deep feeling that something was wrong. But hey, I didn’t want things to change. I was losing weight and I felt in control of everything, my body and my mind. But my eating disorder continued to get worse. I still remember the feeling that one small bite of food could have on me, as if I could feel my body grow.

Three young people sitting together in a park.

It got to the point where I stopped eating because my family figured out I'd been purging after eating. I remember struggling to walk and having no energy to do anything. I felt weak, empty, and depressed. Yet I had no concern about my health or wellbeing. My hair grew fluffy on my arms, and I had constant bruises down my spine from doing sit ups. My family and friends would tell me how skinny and poorly I looked, but this only fuelled my eating disorder. I never noticed the weight loss. I still did not think I was poorly in anyway. I denied everything!

Looking back, I don’t understand how I was in denial, but it was like my eating disorder convinced me that nothing was wrong. I didn’t realise how unwell I was, because the feeling of control that not eating gave me consumed my life.

What helped me cope with my eating disorder

One day, something clicked, and I don’t really know what. I’m no professional, but here is thing that helped me deal with my eating disorder.

The only way I managed and continue to manage with food is to think about it rationally and scientifically. For example, a piece of food or one meal will not make me gain weight - this is impossible! Learning about the human body and digestive system helped me understand that my distorted thoughts were not true.

Social media profiles dedicated to recovery and body positivity for people struggling with an eating disorder were helpful. Seeing beautiful people of all shapes and sizes, posing naturally, and embracing the way their body changes reassured me that bodies fluctuate and are always changing, and this is not a scary thing. Your body is living and thriving, and it needs you to take care of it!

I found motivation in messaging others online who were dealing with the same things. It made me feel as if I could get through it too. I felt empowered supporting others which is why I want to keep sharing my experience in hope that maybe, just one person out there might relate and feel understood. Being there to support someone proved to me that I was worth getting healthy and happier.

It’s important to find joy in small, everyday things and keeping yourself distracted after you’ve eaten. I found head massages, puzzles, and watching films with other people a good distraction after I’d eaten. I struggled being alone, so I always tried to surround myself with people. Be proud of every small step you do, from the smallest bite to the biggest plate! Every step gets you closer to recovery.

I also practise mantras when struggling. I’ll say things to myself like "F you stupid irrational thoughts! I’ve got this and this is my life! You have no power over me!” I am a living example that recovering from an eating disorder is possible, and I own it! When intrusive, self-destructive, irrational thoughts surrounding eating enter my mind, I remind myself these thoughts are not rational.

There’s no advice or words of wisdom anyone can say to help someone immediately recover from an eating disorder. But all I can say is to take each day as it comes, and do not be harsh on yourself! Reaching out and telling those around me when I was struggling also helped, and most importantly, practise self-compassion and love by reassuring yourself that it is okay if you are struggling. It’s extremely difficult and hard to understand dealing with an eating disorder and this isn’t your fault.

It will get easier - I promise

Unless you've experienced an eating disorder yourself, it’s really difficult to understand or relate. I found it so hard when people didn’t understand - I felt judged and stupid. But I had no idea that so many young people suffer the same way I did. I want to be a voice for those who feel misunderstood for suffering from an eating disorder. It's not all about the way we look and it’s not that we are self-absorbed. Eating disorders can mould our minds into thinking that eating is not helping our lives in anyway, let alone keeping us alive.

I want to be there for those who feel misunderstood like I did. I am here and I understand, and I promise life will get easier. You are imperfectly perfect in your own unique and fascinating way. You deserve life!

Practise self-compassion and love by reassuring yourself that it is okay if you are struggling. It’s extremely difficult and hard to understand dealing with an eating disorder and this isn’t your fault.

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