What an unhealthy relationship taught me about self-worth

Topics mentioned: relationships and mental health, depression, anxiety, family, friends

About: Our blogger shares how they learnt to spot the signs of an unhealthy relationship, how it affected their mental health, and rebuilding their self-worth.

This blog contains reference to suicidal feelings. Please do not read on if you think the content may be triggering for you. If you are currently struggling with your mental health, please visit our find help page for information, advice and guidance on where to get support.

For a lot of my life I've struggled with understanding love, especially romantic love. My parents weren't together when I was growing up, and my dad was absent. So I never really saw romantic love as a child. I grew up feeling ‘unloveable’, believing I wasn't good enough for him to stay. This led to a fear of abandonment, which has made relationships much harder for me.

A couple of years ago, I met a boy on an app for meeting other young people. Some may find that cringe, but I was just looking for friends who shared similar interests. He contacted me first. And initially, I wasn't sure if we'd keep in touch – lots of conversations on apps fade quickly – but we kept talking. And when I deleted Wizz, we moved to Snapchat and Discord. We spoke for hours on end about so many things. After a few months, we became best friends, talking almost every day.

But then he started disappearing. Sometimes for hours, sometimes for days. I tried to communicate how this made me feel, asking if he could at least let me know when he’d be gone for a while. He always had excuses, and I believed them because I was attached. He was never mean, never said anything hurtful, so I convinced myself he wasn’t bad. But his actions spoke louder than his apologies.

A few months later, I went on holiday and he left me on ‘delivered’ for a week. When he finally messaged, I decided to do the same to him. During those two weeks, I noticed a shift in how I felt about him. I was starting to feel less attached. But my struggles with depression and other mental illnesses make my fear of abandonment worse, so when I talked to him again, I immediately got tangled back in his web. My friends warned me, but I didn’t listen – I was already in too deep.

Looking back, I see that he love-bombed me and manipulated me. He gas-lit me into questioning my own reality. He’d disappear for days and come back with elaborate excuses – he dropped his phone in the bath, it was his mum's birthday, he lost his phone while watching a movie but didn't think to check the sofa (even though I could see he was online). But I was too tangled to leave.

Despite this, he did help me in some ways. He supported me through panic attacks, reassured me when I felt unlovable, and showed me I could experience love despite my struggles. I do believe his feelings were real at times. But real feelings don’t excuse harmful actions.

The night he left me, I felt completely lost. He had just told me he loved me the day before, and then he was gone. I cried for hours and became suicidal. I spiralled for months. When he finally came back, he had another excuse – he’d been hacked, he sold his PlayStation. But this time it had gone too far. This time, I saw through it. I called him out on his lies – he didn’t like that. He liked having control, and when I took it back, he left again.

When he came back calling me his girlfriend and telling me how much he loved me, I knew it was coming. This time I didn't cry. I felt nothing. I told him I wasn't his girlfriend and communicated how I felt about him just disappearing like that. It was over.

For nine months, I grieved – not just for him, but for what he did to me. I’m not upset about losing him anymore, but I still struggle with the way he treated me. And that’s okay. It’s okay to grieve, to take time to move on, to miss what you had. But it’s also important to recognise when love isn’t real love.

If you're going through something similar, please know this:

I know how hard it is to let go. They push you away, then pull you back just enough to make you stay. But you deserve better. And you are not unlovable just because someone couldn’t love you properly.

One year later and I can safely say I have more peace without him in my life. A part of me will always remember how he made me feel, but I also know this: real love won’t come with this much pain. One day, I’ll find someone who loves me the right way. And until then, I’m learning to love myself.