How to talk to a friend you’re worried about

Topics mentioned: supporting a friend, friends, family, self-care

About: Hannah, 23, shares her advice on what to do if you're worried about someone's mental health, how to check in with your friend, and look after yourself too.

Picture this: your friend says that they’re having a hard time. You really want to be there for them, but you just don’t know how. Or you’ve noticed a friend or family member hasn’t been their usual self lately. They might want to be alone or seem unhappy.

But some might not show any signs that they’re experiencing poor mental health - it’s not always obvious from the outside. Either way, you know something’s up and you don’t want to ignore it. But you also don’t want to say the wrong thing because you fear you could make things worse.

Sound familiar?

You’re not alone. Here are a few tips I hope will help you and your loved ones if they choose to confide in you, and you feel able to support them.

To help someone open up, they have to feel safe. They need to know they can trust you and won’t be judged. You can help by choosing the right place and time to check in with them.

Your friend might prefer talking to you in a private place. Some prefer chatting in a car, so they don’t have to make eye contact, which can feel scary when talking about something personal.

Reassure them that the conversation will stay between the two of you (with some exceptions, such as if emergency services are required).

One tip from Roman Kemp’s BBC documentary ‘Our Silent Emergency’ is asking your friends if they’re okay twice. Asking “you alright?” is also like another way of saying hello, so it can sometimes take asking twice to get the real answer.

A good alternative is to ask: “What’s going on for you today?”

If they bring something up, you can ask if they’d like to talk about it further.

I cannot stress enough the importance of actively listening. Sometimes people don’t even want a response from you, they just wish to vent (with your consent) and know that you are listening.

You can show you’ve understood by repeating parts back to them and validating what they say with phrases like, “that must be really hard”.

Mind and Scottish Association for Mental Health (SAMH)’s Conversations in the Community course suggests following up with open-ended questions.

These are questions like:

• "What's that like for you?"
• "What's the most important thing you'd like to get off your chest?"

If you make a mistake, it’s okay. We won’t always get it right first time. You can apologise and ask if there is anything you can do differently to help.