Self-harm is when someone hurts themselves on purpose to manage distressing or overwhelming feelings or experiences.
Someone who is self-harming may be dealing with lots of intense thoughts and feelings. Hurting themselves can feel like the only way to cope. Or they might feel numb and hurt themselves so they can feel something.
If your child is self-harming, or you’re concerned they might be, it can be incredibly worrying. The important thing to remember is that lots of young people go through this and come out the other side with different ways of coping. You also need to remember that you’re not alone.
On this page, we outline how you can support your child and where you can find professional help.
Some ways that young people self-harm include:
You might be worried that a young person is harming themselves, even if they're not talking about it or showing visible injuries. If you’re concerned, you can look out for:
Having found out my child was self-harming, I was so devastated and confused as to why. My emotions were all over the place, not knowing how to help her, where to go for professional help – it was so stressful. As a father I just wanted to wrap her up in cotton wool.
If a young person is self harming, it’s often a sign that something isn’t quite right or has become too much to deal with. It can be understood as an important message about how a young person is feeling – one that needs to be noticed with care by the adults around them.
Self-harm is usually a way of trying to manage very difficult feelings. People often harm themselves when life feels hard to cope with - when distressing feelings have built up and become overwhelming. In the moment, physical pain can be easier than feeling emotionally out of control.
You might hear myths about self-harm, including that it’s a ‘phase’, or attention-seeking. In fact, while it might feel hard to understand from the outside, self-harm can be a way for a young person to:
Yet while self-harm can bring relief in the moment, this is only temporary. As feelings build up again, so does the urge to self-harm.
As this cycle continues, someone might start to feel ashamed, confused, or frightened. This increases the load they’re already carrying, becoming a cycle that’s hard to break and a habit that’s hard to stop.
When the urge to self-harm does build, it's useful for your child to have a list of other things they can do instead. This can help 'ride the wave' of intense feelings without self-harming.
Different things will work for different people. What helps usually depends on the feelings your child is trying to manage. If your child wants to feel soothed, they might want to wrap themselves up in a comfy space. If they want to burn off energy, doing something active can help.
Your child might want to use an app like Calm Harm so they have something on their phone that suggests different techniques they can try when they feel the urge to self-harm.
Strategies could include:
There are a number of things that might empower your child to feel more in control. Becoming more aware of what they're feeling when they self-harm can help, as can understanding what's making them want to do it. They might also want to think about what could help them stop.
This knowledge can reduce overwhelm and their need to self-harm.
It might help to start this while walking outside or doing an activity to keep the chat more relaxed. It can also help both of you to be in a neutral space - e.g. not in their bedroom. Take a look at our activity ideas for starting a conversation.
Understandably, you might have lots of questions. But it’s important to remember your child is going through a tough time and may find this overwhelming. Focus on finding out how they’re doing without bombarding them.
Your child might feel ashamed about self-harming and find it difficult to talk about. Let them come to you when they feel ready, and reassure them that they can talk to you as often and for as long as they need to.
If your child is struggling to open up, they might find it easier to text or write a letter, or communicate how they feel through writing, pictures, or music. This can be particularly helpful for neurodiverse young people. Receiving information this way also gives you time to process what they’ve told you, and think about how you’d like to respond without immediately reacting.
When your child does open up, try to focus on listening, showing empathy and being curious about what it’s like for them, rather than trying to ‘fix’ things. Sometimes they'll just want you to listen and understand how they are feeling - not be given a solution.
Self-harm is usually a symptom of something else that’s going on. Are there things like relationships or experiences at home or school that are making them feel worried, frightened, upset or angry? Are there changes that could be made to make things better? Taking pressures away can help reduce feelings of overwhelm.
What kinds of thoughts are they having, and how do they feel in their body? For example, they might start to feel more zoned out or like they’re full of panic. This can help them recognise what feelings they’re trying to deal with, and what they can do instead to manage them. Keeping a mood diary might help them understand this over time - and can be as simple as a noted-down word, phrase or emoji every day.
Even if it’s just for a little while, doing something fun can give your child a break and help them relax. This might be drawing, making something, playing sport, cooking, or watching a favourite film together.
Getting up at a regular time, eating regular healthy meals, exercising, drinking water, spending quality time with loved ones and getting enough sleep can help (teens need a minimum of 8-10 hours per night). It might help to think about limits around screen time as part of this.
Think about replacing potentially harmful everyday items with safer alternatives. Some young people, for example, might use the safety pins they use to secure their hijab or other items of clothing to harm themselves. In cases like this, you might want to secure clothes in a different way with magnets or clips. Certain things in the house might trigger them - ask them about this, and try to find ways to remove or reduce them.
It’s completely natural that you might want to watch over them when you know they self-harm. While monitoring the situation is good, sensing they’re being watched may increase your child's anxiety and guilt. When it feels possible and they need it, give them some space.
There are lots of things you can do to help your child. But lots of young people will need professional help to shift the situation and feel better. You can find out how to access help below.
There are different places to find help for your child. Speaking to your GP is often a good start: they can discuss concerns, speak to your child to find out how they’re doing, and let you know what support options are available.
Depending on the situation, they can also refer them for an assessment by a mental health specialist, or to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS). Referrals can be made to CAMHS for young people up to the age of 18 years old, or to adult services for young people aged 18 and over. You can speak to the GP yourself to ask for advice, even if your child doesn’t want to talk to them.
Schools, colleges, and universities are another good source of support. They can also refer to mental health services, and often have their own mental health provision.
Referrals from school can be very useful. They see the young person on a daily basis and can sometimes give more insight into their needs.
Young people may also find it helpful to speak to a counsellor or therapist who can help them make sense of how they’re feeling and find new ways of coping. Our guide to counselling services takes you through the process of finding a counsellor or therapist for your child.
Trying to find the right help for your child and finding your way around different services can be really tiring at times – so keep reminding yourself that you’re doing your best and that it’s not easy.
Some young people who are self-harming will find it very difficult to speak to a professional, go to appointments or even acknowledge what’s going on. If things are feeling stuck, you can call our Parents Helpline for information, advice and support.
Parents have found the following things helpful when seeking professional help:
Trying to find the right help and finding your way around different services can be tiring. Keep reminding yourself that you’re doing your best and that it’s not easy.
Some young people will find it very difficult to speak to a professional, go to appointments, or even acknowledge what’s going on. If things feel stuck, you can call our Parents Helpline for information, advice and support.
It’s important to take your child to hospital or to your GP if they have any injuries that require medical attention.
Self-harm is often a way to help someone cope. It isn’t necessarily an expression of suicidal feelings or an attempt to take their own life.
But people who experience suicidal thoughts are more likely to have self-harmed in the past. If you’re worried your child may be experiencing suicidal thoughts, read our guide to find out how you can access help.
Finding out that your child is self-harming can be an incredibly distressing, or even traumatic, experience. It’s completely normal to feel anxious, confused, sad, angry, frustrated, guilty or ashamed.
Try to take time when you can to check in with yourself, and to think about ways you can take care of yourself too. It’s okay to ask for help when you need it, and to share your worries with someone you trust.
Many parents in this situation find it helpful to reach out to other parents to talk through how they have handled difficult situations and found support. You may also be able to find a local parent support group using the Charlie Waller Trust directory.
If you need more help, speaking to your GP is a good place to start. They may be able to refer you to a local support service. Sometimes it helps just having someone there who can listen to what you’re going through. If you need someone to talk to, you can call the Samaritans any time on 116 123.
While we take care to ensure that the organisations we signpost to provide high quality information and advice, we cannot take responsibility for any specific pieces of advice they may offer. We encourage parents and carers to always explore the website of a linked service or organisation to understand who they are and what support they offer before engaging with them.
We support parents and carers who are concerned about their child or young person's mental health. Our Parents Helpline provides detailed advice and information, emotional support and signposting.
You can speak to us over the phone or chat to us online.
You can speak to us over webchat between 9.30am and 4pm from Monday-Friday. When we’re closed, you can still leave us a message in the chat. We’ll reply to you by email in 3-5 working days.
A free app providing support and strategies to help you resist or manage the urge to self-harm.
Can be downloaded from Google Play or App Store.
If you’re under 19 you can confidentially call, chat online or email about any problem big or small.
Sign up for a free Childline locker (real name or email address not needed) to use their free 1-2-1 counsellor chat and email support service.
Can provide a BSL interpreter if you are deaf or hearing-impaired.
Hosts online message boards where you can share your experiences, have fun and get support from other young people in similar situations.
Formerly known as MeeToo. A free app for teenagers (11+) providing resources and a fully-moderated community where you can share your problems, get support and help other people too.
Can be downloaded from Google Play or App Store.
Whatever you're going through, you can contact the Samaritans for support. N.B. This is a listening service and does not offer advice or intervention.
This page was reviewed in August 2024.
It was created with parents and carers with lived experience of supporting their child or young person with self-harm.
We will next review the page in 2027.
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