How validating my feelings helped me seek support for complex PTSD

Topics mentioned: PTSD, self-esteem

About: If something doesn't feel right to you, it's important to reach out for help. Our blogger explains how validating her feelings led her to seek support for complex PTSD.

It can be very difficult to navigate our emotional world. It becomes even harder when we start to minimise emotional experiences through comparison to others. Often, we dismiss our feelings as dramatic/off-the-mark/exaggerated because 'other people have it worse.' Or, because we have never sought professional help, we continue to ignore the fact that something does not feel right.

I myself have struggled with this - constantly invalidating myself about several problems while feeling deep down that there was some weight to them. It became a blatant issue, in my own life, while contemplating childhood trauma.

Last year, I came across the term complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). According to the NHS website:

After making this discovery, I felt I related with the term at first - it brought clarity to my once unexplainable feelings/behaviours. Likewise, given my turbulent childhood, it made sense that CPTSD could have started during adolescence. But for some reason, this wasn’t enough. 

At that point in time, I had never approached therapy from the angle of childhood trauma – possibly due the guilt/fear/shame I carried about “bad mouthing” or “blaming” my parents. As a result, I felt dishonest in claiming to relate to the term and those who suffer with CPTSD.

Although I presented with every trait/behaviour - and felt validated on an emotional level by my discovery - I continued ignoring my instincts.

On top of this, I struggled to grapple with the stigma that “childhood trauma” always involves overt abuse, violence or physical neglect. I had not been subjected to any of those things, so I continued to doubt and question myself.

Surely only children with “bad parents” could develop CPTSD? Perhaps my childhood wasn’t bad enough, especially compared to others?

Hoping to find answers, I began reading accounts of CPTSD online – actively comparing my life experiences with those of the individuals that had posted. In the end, I came to the conclusion (as we so often do) that 'other people have it worse.' Once again, I felt guilty for even considering the fact I had suffered.

Unsurprisingly, dismissing my feelings/instincts like this failed to serve my wellbeing. I spent so long cycling between resonating with CPTSD and doubting whether the term was relevant to me at all. It was an incredibly draining process which only put the breaks on my healing.

After some time, I realised I must stop seeking external validation via Reddit/Google and validate myself from within. In order to do this, I began using affirmations to build trust in myself, such as:

Over time, I gradually began not only trusting my intuition about early childhood experiences, but validating my feelings more effectively on the whole. I continued to untangle myself from invalidating thoughts by challenging them with an alternative. For example:

I found this process to be most useful in understanding my emotions as well as improving my self-worth by honouring my feelings. During times of doubt, I checked in with myself about how my childhood/current lifestyle felt to me. Ultimately, this inspired me to seek out therapy for CPTSD and gather additional resources to support my healing.

So, for anyone reading this article and struggling to validate themselves – pay attention to your instincts. In all situations, it is important to honour and value how you are feeling. If something does not feel right to you, it deserves to be looked into further – we all deserve support.

If you constantly 'play down' your suffering, as I did, I strongly recommend making a list of your most common invalidating thoughts alongside a validating alternative – check in with yourself regularly and allow yourself space to feel your feelings.

Finally, for anyone reading this article who thinks they may be suffering with CPTSD, please voice any concerns to your GP/mental health practitioner to start your recovery and gain professional help – you deserve support.

I also highly recommend both Tim Fletcher and Dr Kim Sage’s YouTube videos as a starting point to learn more about this CPTSD. Also, Pete Walker’s book “CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” has been extremely useful.