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School anxiety and refusal

We've got advice for what to do if your child is anxious about school or is unable to go at times. If your child is being bullied at school, please have a look at our guide for parents.

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Play Video: Top tips on supporting your child if they don't want to go to school Top tips on supporting your child if they don't want to go to school

If your child is feeling anxious about school, or isn't able to go sometimes, it can be exhausting for both of you. Many parents in this situation describe feeling very worried about their child, and overwhelmed by the pressure to get their child to school and get on with their day. Even when your child does get to the school gate, you might be left worrying about how they'll cope. This is an incredibly tough situation to be in and it’s not surprising if you’re struggling at the moment.

In this guide, we’ve got advice to help you:

  • explore what’s going on with your child
  • make changes at school that can help
  • find the support you need if your child can’t go to school

When anxiety builds up to the point that a young person cannot go to school, it's sometimes called ‘school refusal’. You might hear your child's school using this term. Many young people and parents do not like this term, as it implies that ‘refusing’ school is a choice. You may prefer terms such as emotionally-based school avoidance (ESBA) or anxiety-related absence.

What makes young people feel anxious about school?

Young people can feel anxious about school for lots of different reasons. They might be worried about:

  • making friends or fitting in
  • finding schoolwork or lessons confusing
  • feeling pressured to learn in a certain way
  • finding their relationships with teachers difficult
  • ‘getting it right’ if the rules or expectations feel overwhelming

Sometimes, going through difficult experiences at home can also make it harder for a child to settle at school. This can include things like grief and loss, their parents separating or being a young carer.

For some young people, parts of the environment or schedule at school might not be right for them. This can be the case if they're struggling with a mental health problem like anxiety or depression. Or if they have a neurodiverse condition such as autism, ADHD, dyslexia or dyspraxia. This can make school days very tiring and stressful, especially if their condition is not yet diagnosed or supported. 

  • not wanting to get up and get ready
  • saying they can’t go
  • worrying a lot about small issues, such as having the right equipment for a lesson
  • feeling sick or having stomach or headaches
  • not sleeping well
  • not doing schoolwork, or their grades dropping
  • being angry or upset, or acting out – at school or home
  • withdrawing – seeming low, quiet or depressed
  • feeling panicky about leaving for school, or having panic attacks
A mother and daughter looking at each other
It’s often difficult for your child to articulate the problem. They may be in a heightened state of stress and not know why or feel able to explain. Your child probably wants to feel able to be in school, just as much as you want them to be there. In many cases it just doesn’t feel possible.
My daughter couldn’t go to school: what I wish I had known

Finding out what's going on for your child

Sometimes it can be difficult to work out what’s making your child feel anxious. The first step is often helping them to identify exactly what’s worrying them. Once you understand the problem, you’ll be in a much better position to make changes that can help.

Young people can find it hard to explain what’s causing their feelings. They might not be able to answer direct questions like ‘what’s going on?’.

Using an 'anxiety iceberg' to explore their worries can help. This gives you a more relaxed way of understanding it together. Watch our video to find out how to make an anxiety iceberg with your child.

Play Video: How to support your child with anxiety How to support your child with anxiety

Tips for making an anxiety iceberg

  • Anxiety icebergs for younger children

    If you’re doing this exercise with a young child, you can draw images on the iceberg while they talk. Or you can encourage them to draw and write simple words. 

  • Anxiety icebergs for teenagers

    With older children and teenagers, you can ask them to write key words and phrases on the iceberg. Or you can do this exercise as a 'mind map', with ‘school’ in the middle of a page and all the things they’re finding difficult around the outside.

  • If your child is struggling to start

    If your child isn't sure what to say, gently suggest some options. Let them agree or disagree with your ideas. Together, you might identify things like:

    •  arriving at school or saying goodbye to you
    • finding the environment noisy, crowded or overwhelming
    • finding lessons confusing or rules overwhelming
    • feeling lonely through the day or unsure about how to ‘fit in’
    • feeling bullied or unsafe

Making changes at school

Once you understand what’s going on for your child, you can talk to their school about what can help. You might want to take their anxiety iceberg into the meeting to help you explain what's going on.

Even though this situation can be really tough, it’s important to keep a positive relationship going with school. Recognise the support they’re offering and any changes they’re making. This will help you work together to make things better for your child.

Follow these steps to start a conversation with the school:

  • 1. Ask for a meeting with the class teacher or tutor group lead, the pastoral lead or the school’s SENCO (Special Educational Needs Coordinator).

  • 2. Make notes of what you want to say beforehand. Tell them about the specific things your child is finding difficult. You can also ask the teacher about anything they've noticed.

  • 3. If you and your child have already identified some things that might help, ask for specific changes. If you’re not sure where to start, ask what changes the school can offer – or have a look at our ideas below.

  • 4. Take notes during the meeting. Agree any changes or strategies you’re going to try, and follow up with them afterwards by email. You can also ask for the changes to be formalised in an Individual Education Plan. This is a plan schools use to outline how your child's needs will be met across the school day.

  • 5. Arrange a time when you will check-in again to see if things have improved. Give enough time for your child to try the new change or routine.

  • 6. If the person you’re speaking to isn’t helping, find someone else who will. This could be their head of year, a member of the pastoral team or the deputy head. If you need to, you can escalate the problem to the head teacher, governors, academy trust or the Local Education Authority.

Here are some examples of things you can ask the school for

  • Arrive ten minutes early with a job to do like tidying the classroom or setting the first lesson up. This gives them a calm start to the day with a clear purpose.
  • Have a safe space where they can sit at the beginning of the day. This might be a quiet room, sensory room or with someone from the pastoral team. They can return to this space if they need to at particularly difficult moments throughout the day.
  • Have a flexible start time to take the pressure off.
  • Have a friend meet them at the gate to reduce anxiety around walking into school and getting to class.
  • Have a visual timetable so they can see a clear structure. This can include pictures to represent registration, different subjects and break-times.
  • Use a ‘now, next, then’ card to break the day into smaller steps. On this, your child or a member of staff can write or draw the next three parts of their day. For example, it might say 'registration now, science next, then English'.
  • Have written instructions for tasks if they find it difficult to remember what the teacher has said.
  • Get support from a staff member when moving between lessons and getting a warning before the next transition.
  • Connect them with a peer buddy or staff mentor. This gives them a safe person to talk to and makes sure someone is regularly checking in with them.
  • Have a safe space, such as a wellbeing room or the pastoral team’s office, which they can go to when they need to.
  • Have an ‘exit card’ that lets them leave a lesson if they’re too anxious, with a plan around where they can go. This can reassure them they have an ‘out’ when things get too much.
  • Have a flexible or reduced timetable to take the pressure off.
  • Have time away from the classroom. This could be spending time in a sensory room or doing small group work with a teaching assistant in a quiet space. Some schools have ‘nurture groups’ or special rooms dedicated to providing a calm environment for children who cannot be in the classroom all day.
  • Have activities or clubs they can do at break and lunchtimes. This can provide some structure and reduce feelings of anxiety about what they’ll do.
  • Become part of a club or be given a responsibility such as library monitor, to make them feel more involved.
  • Connect with a peer buddy or staff mentor, to help them feel there’s someone at school who cares about them.
  • Join a peer group about making friends, which some schools run. These can help your child to meet peers in a smaller group and think about these issues in a safe space.
Building a relationship with the attendance team at my son’s school was hugely helpful, we were talking with them each day.
A parent

Strategies you can try at home

  • Create a morning routine or timetable

    Having a visual schedule for getting up, getting dressed, having breakfast and leaving the house can reduce stress. Try to prepare things like checking their timetable, packing bags and laying out clothes the night before. In the mornings, focus on the one thing they need to do next, rather than thinking about a big goal like ‘getting to school’. For example you might say, 'put your uniform on and then come and have breakfast'.

  • Think together about how your child can manage their anxiety

    Having coping strategies or relaxation techniques can help anxiety to feel less overwhelming. Younger children might like to take something from home, like a favourite toy, into school with them. Or they might like using a worry box at home to help contain their anxieties. Teenagers might like to fill a box with things that help them feel calm using our guide to making a self-soothe box.

  • Encourage them to do things that help them relax

    Time for relaxation can help your child to ‘re-charge’ and give them a break from their worries. This could be spending time with friends and family, listening to music, going for a walk, playing sport, baking, drawing or watching a film.

  • Recognise small achievements

    Notice small successes such as getting out of bed at the right time or handing work in at school. Tell your child you’re really impressed with them.

  • Try to take the pressure off

    On some days your child may not be able to manage schoolwork or homework. Remember their mood will go up and down and you can always try again the next day.

If your child isn’t able to go to school at the moment

If your child isn’t going to school at the moment, things might feel incredibly stressful and tiring. You might be worried about when they will be able to get back to school or the impact on their education. And you might feel overwhelmed because you’re juggling this alongside your other commitments. 

During this time, it’s important to keep working with the school to try things that might help your child go back. Keep encouraging them to take achievable steps towards attending on some days. When the right support is in place, it’s often easier for a young person to get back into their routine if they can return to school as quickly as possible.

If your child's anxiety about school has got to the point where they can't go, it's a good idea to get them some professional support. You can find out how to do this further down the page.

Alongside requesting professional help, try to:

Remember to recognise the impact this situation is having on you. Many parents in this situation describe feeling overwhelmed and burnt-out. Being worried about your child, juggling your other responsibilities, and advocating for your child’s needs is a huge amount of work. Lots of parents say they often feel isolated and anxious.

Reach out to trusted family and friends for support. Say ‘yes’ to offers of help. This might include other people looking after your child so you can have time off or get to a work event. Speak to your employer about what support they can provide, including flexible working or parental leave. Find out more about your leave entitlements on the Working Families website.

You can find more advice about looking after your own mental health in our guide for parents.

Even though the situation is stressful, remember to show your child that you get why school is difficult for them.

Try not to shout, tell them off or physically force them into school. Making them go in without changing anything can make their anxiety worse in the long-term.

Be honest with the school about what’s going on. Say ‘my child cannot come to school because they are too anxious’, rather than saying they are unwell or don’t want to. Get a note from the GP, CAMHS or another mental health professional as early as you can.

The school’s SEND (Special Educational Needs and Disabilities) and attendance policies should be on their website. Knowing what these are can support you during meetings with the school.

This can help if your child is unable to go to school for a longer period of time. Having a record to show what you've tried can make it easier to get more support.

Encourage your child to get up, do some school work and stop for lunch at the same times they would if they were in school. This will make adapting back to school easier. Explain to your child that if they cannot go to school, they will need to study at home. Ask the school to send work and activities home. You can also use online resources such as BBC Bitesize.

Not going to school could leave your child feeling isolated. Make sure they stay connected to the outside world. Arrange time for seeing friends, doing activities and getting outside for exercise.

Speaking to friends online can be really important if your child is feeling isolated at home. But sometimes, you might notice that your child is spending lots of time gaming or on their phone. If this is becoming a problem, have a look at our guide to gaming or guide to social media for more information.

Local authorities must provide alternative education if a child is unable to attend school for a significant period of time. You can find more about alternative education on the IPSEA website. This can be a long process. If you need support, reach out to one of the organisations that can help.

What will happen if my child doesn't go to school?

Parents often tell us they are worried about fines and prosecutions. Schools generally only consider this if they feel there is no valid reason for the absence or parents aren't engaging with the problem. Or if the absence is not supported by a professional such as a GP.

If the absence goes on for a longer period of time, your child may be referred to an Education Welfare Officer (EWO). Education Welfare Officers are part of the local authority. They will arrange a home visit to find out more and discuss strategies that might help. The school may also refer your child for other support. This may include the NHS mental health service for young people, known as CAMHS.

The approach schools take on this issue can vary. If you’re finding it difficult to communicate with the school, reach out to the one of the organisations that can support you.

  • Seeing your child unable to drag themselves out of bed to get the education you know they need can be heart-breaking, but remember they don’t want to fail at school either.
    A parent
  • A warm response from parents can make a difference in how they feel about themselves, improving their likelihood of good outcomes.
    A parent

Helping your child return to school after an absence

Getting back to school after weeks or months may feel difficult for your child. But you and the school can help make it more manageable. Here are some things you can do:

  • Set small, achievable targets. This could be visiting the building outside school hours or attending one lesson.
  • Request a home visit from a school staff member. This gives your child an opportunity to check in where they feel safe and to see that the school cares.
  • Ask for a reduced timetable. You can include regular reviews to discuss building back up at a manageable rate.
  • Discuss changing classes or sets if your child thinks this would help.
  • Focus on qualifications needed for what your child wants to do next. This could look like dropping a less relevant GCSE to reduce stress.
My son wasn’t questioned about his absence when he did feel able to pop in for favourite lessons, helping to ease him back into full days of education.
A parent

Finding support

If your child's anxiety is affecting their daily life, learning or relationships, it’s a good idea to find some professional mental health support. Speaking to the GP and seeing whether they can see a counsellor or therapist are two good places to start. You can find more information about GPs, counsellors and other mental health services in our guide to getting help for your child.

Getting support from mental health services

Finding SEND support

If your child cannot attend school and there is no obvious reason why, it's worth considering whether they may have any unrecognised needs. This could include a Special Educational Need or Disability (SEND) such as dyslexia, autism or ADHD.

If you think this might be the case, speak to the school’s SENCO (Special Educational Needs Coordinator) or your GP. While you are waiting for an assessment, you can also ask the SENCO to refer your child for support from other professionals. This could include an Educational Psychologist or a Speech and Language Therapist. These people can identify specific needs and make recommendations for additional support the school can put in place. This can happen before your child gets a formal diagnosis.

Here are some different places where you can access SEND support:

If your child is diagnosed with SEND, extra support should be put in place at school to help them attend and learn. Options for this should be available within the school's existing resources. Speak to the school's SENCO in the first instance about how the school will support your child.

SENDIAS stands for Special Education Needs and Disability Information, Advice and Support. Every local authority is required to fund a SENDIAS service for their area. But SENDIAS works separately to the local authority, which means it does not work on the local authority’s behalf. This means they can provide free and independent advice about Special Educational Needs and Disabilities (SEND).

You can search for your local SENDIAS online or call your local council to ask for their contact details.

Find your local SENDIAS

If your child's needs cannot be supported by what their school already offers, you can ask for an Education, Health and Care needs assessment. This is carried out by someone from your local authority. If they decide your child does need additional support, they will make an Education, Health and Care plan (EHCP). This outlines how their extra support will be provided. It’s useful to understand that getting an EHCP can be a long process. 

Find out more about EHC plans with IPSEA

Your local authority should provide a list of the services available in your area to support children with SEND. This is called your 'local offer'. You can find your local offer by searching online or on your local authority's website. Or you can call your local council to ask for this information.

Real stories from parents and carers

Useful helplines and websites

While we take care to ensure that the organisations we signpost to provide high quality information and advice, we cannot take responsibility for any specific pieces of advice they may offer. We encourage parents and carers to always explore the website of a linked service or organisation to understand who they are and what support they offer before engaging with them.

  • YoungMinds Parents Helpline

    We support parents and carers who are concerned about their child or young person's mental health. We can provide detailed information and advice, emotional support and signposting.

    You can speak to us over the phone or chat to us online. When we’re closed, you can still leave us a message and we'll get back to you in 3-5 working days.

    Opening times:
    9.30am-4pm on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays; 9.30am-6pm on Tuesdays and Wednesdays
    Parents Helpline

  • Independent Provider of Special Education Advice (IPSEA)

    Provides legally based advice and support to help families get the right education for children and young people with special educational needs and disabilities (SEND).

    Alongside calling their Helpline, you can also book an appointment with their Advice Line or Tribunal Helpline.

    Opening times:
    Tuesday - Thursday, 9.30am - 2.30pm
    IPSEA

  • SENDIAS

    SENDIAS stands for Special Education Needs and Disability Information, Advice and Support. Every local authority is required to fund a SENDIAS service for their area. But SENDIAS works separately to the local authority and does not work on the local authority’s behalf. This means they can provide free and independent advice about Special Educational Needs and Disabilities (SEND). You can search for your local SENDIAS online or call your local council to ask for their contact details.

    Find your local SENDIAS

  • Enquire

    Provides advice and information to parents and carers in Scotland if their child needs additional support for learning.

    You can also use their webchat service or contact them via an online form. 

    Opening times:
    1pm - 4.30pm, Monday - Friday
    Enquire

  • Not Fine in School

    Parent and carer led organisation offering information and practical resources for families of children struggling with school.

    Not Fine in School

  • National Autistic Society

    Online information and resources about education for autistic children and young people. This includes advice around the different types of provision, finding extra help at school, and issues around exclusion and school anxiety.

    They also have a network of local branches. These can provide things like parent courses and family support, social meet-ups and support groups for autistic young people.

    National Autistic Society

  • Child Law Advice

    Provides free legal advice about education and family issues to parents, carers and young people.

    You can contact them by email about education law or about family and child law. You can also speak to them over webchat (open 8am - 5.30pm, Monday - Friday).

    Opening times:
    10am - 4pm, Monday – Friday
    Child Law Advice

  • Contact

    Provides support, information and advice for families with children with disabilities or other conditions including ADHD. Also runs family workshops and activities.

    Free online chat service available. 

    Opening times:
    9:30am - 5pm, Monday - Friday
    Contact

  • British Dyslexia Association

    Provides information, support and advice for people with dyslexia, and for those who support them.

    Opening times:
    10am - 1pm on Tuesdays and Wednesdays; 1pm - 3pm on Thursdays
    British Dyslexia Association
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This page was reviewed in December 2025.

It was created with parents and carers with lived experience of supporting their child or young person with school anxiety.

We will next review the page in 2028.

YoungMinds is a proud member of PIF TICK – the UK's quality mark for trusted health information.

Whether you love the page or think something is missing, we appreciate your feedback. It all helps us to support more young people with their mental health.

Please be aware that this form isn’t a mental health support service. If your child is in crisis right now and you want to talk to someone urgently, find out who to contact on our urgent help page.

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